Christmas Eve

Guess the time is finally here, a much anticipated day, where folks attend church in the morning, gather and be merry during the night over huge christmas dinners.... oh the pounds!! *sigh* being a girl sucks

most of u guys would have known by now that i'm back home. christmas in japan is just not possible! sorry that i did not mention it earlier, but well, just me doing things my way.

for the first time, i feel old. shopping is a chore, nothing seems to work right, my mind's constantly on things that i have to do, never allowing myself to relax. wonder if age is finally catching up on me? could be. guess i'm finally growing up. this time of the year always held a double meaning for me. it just does

for all you folks who take the time to read my rather uninteresting blog during this time of the year, i wish u a very happy christmas, and that God will, by His Grace and Timing, show you His Will, and grant you your heart's desire. Have a blessed time.

with love.

All I Want For Christmas is.....

song playing: all i want for christmas(olivia olson; ost love actually)

My christmas wish-list. Every year, i'm sure u guys wonder at what to get for me (i think). So I've decided to make it easier for you guys..... aren't I nice? All together now.... THANK YOU J!!

So folks, ready? ^_^

1. air ticket home
2. excellent Japanese skills
3. for good friends (includes all my efforts to communicate with d jap ppl here)
4. to be myself, in one whole piece, minus all stress and everything else that bugs the shit out of me and make me miserable
5. better motivation to do things, rather than my current pathetic efforts to force myself
..................

......... yeah folks, think u might be able to help me find those things? Nah... absolutely kidding, those are much more in d self department than in the "we-can-buy-for-you" department. If u've made it here so far, then u get to see my real list.... =)

1. to go home for christmas and bd (this still doesn'T change!)
2. to meet up with my best pals and yarn with them for hours
3. to thank God that i've made it through another year; for everything that I've went through and got through, priceless lessons in life
4. to thank my family for their wonderful love and support
5. to thank my wonderful friends who have stuck with me through this year's up and down, tears and laughter, joy and sadness.....
6. to tell my friends that i'll be here for you guys too if u ever need me. just one phone call away. screw d distance eh.
7. to tell u all that i love u all to death, don't u ever dare forget it!!!!!!!!! 永遠都会！

well, that's about it. this year, for me, it's about remembering the people who have made an impact in my life, who have taught me new things, gave me a better understanding into what friendship is all about, deeper meaning into life.... guess all I want to say is that, i've already got the best presents, and they r u guys.

love loads, J.

ps. However, presents are still accepted u know. and no, u r not allow to forget my birthday in anyway.....won't friend u anymore if u do!!!!!!!!!

pss. was joking for d 2nd line. (^_-) u all know how i feel about my bd....

Yeah!

Song in my head: Usher's Yeah!

Finally the Japanese Language Proficiency Test is over. I have a feeling that I'm not even going to scrap through it... so says the little voice in my head. But, regardless.... time to not worry about it until 1. results come out 2. if i take the exam again...

It's been a gorgeous day today. Was expecting rain but God does answers prayer.... yeah! As my senior said, it was more like summer than winter, with a high of 23, i think. Pity I had to spend the whole morning and half of the afternoon indoors, stuck to the desk working on the papers. Yes, it's plural, there were 3 papers!

Am just so happy and relived that it's over, for now. Time to get some other reports and homework out of the way....it'll be christmas soon!!!!!! another 20days to it, and if 21 days..... anybody wanna make a guess what's on in 21days fr now? ^_-

Moments in Life

"I will talk and Hollywood will listen....." so sings Robbie Williams. Have you ever heard this cd? It's fabulous.... Well, definitely not the usual Robbie, but if you like something jazzy, something old... this is definitely a good one.

What a long weekend. Between friends visiting, meeting up with seniors and juggling studying plus my uni's festival... it does take its toll. Good thing that classes only begin on wednesday. However, it has been a great weekend. Movies, and more movies.... even watched Gigli. Not the greatest movie ever made, but still watchable, to a certain degree. Well, when you want something that doesn't make you think but yet make you laugh, perhaps this might do it for you.

Admist all the things I did, I found my thoughts wondering, wishing and hoping for certain things that I know with certainty that would not come to pass. So question: Ever felt the same way as I do? An email reached me today with the first line "There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real!" This sentence sums up my emotional state, my desire with such accuracy that it's unsettling. Moments like this, you become this emotional void. I can literally feel that hole inside me, and that is not a nice feeling at all. Something's missing.

And on that note, I return to my little corner and perhaps there, will be able to find some clay to patch up the hole.......... wish me luck!

My confession ??!!

"It has been almost 3 weeks since my last......" ^_-

Well well, time flies, doesn't it? It is already the 6th week of classes, and soon, next weekend actually, it will be the uni's annual festival aka open day. But that's another story, that is if I ever decide to write, hehe.

I've come to realised that I have neglected my spritual life, very much. I just can't seem to summon the energy or will to go to church nowadays. If not for a promise that I made to my friends, I would not have gone. tsk tsk indeed. Much as I know that fellowship is an important part in our lifes, I just don't seem to fit in anywhere. Even in school. Grrr..... why can't I communicate with my classmates is really something that is starting to bug. WIth the cliches popping up all over, I wonder which group should I choose? Hmm... perhaps none.

I am told that I'm studying too hard. If only my efforts are reflected in my results! Unfortunately for me, other than looking extremely tired and being totally anti-social cum dissappeared altogether, my results are definitely not bucking up. Perhaps I should just stop making so much effort. *sigh* what a dilemma!

Right, enough talk about me. Everything is ALL good, regardless.

Rain rain go away

I am utterly sick of typhoons. It's Typhoon no.23 (the current record). Although I must say, I've actually only experienced 2, but that's enough to last a year, at least! My shoes got utterly drenched. I think if there was any strong wind, then, with or without umbrella, I will be utterly soaked to my skin. Thankfully, however, God has been so far so kind.

Moving on... How have I been? Oh, not to bad, so-so. Can'T find the space for "just great" in my dictionary yet, unless you want it said in a sarcastic kind of way... There's this huge among of workload that I'm just struggling to finish every week, while on the other side of the scale, there's this bottomless pitt of boringness that just zaps my motivation away. I am slowly losing time for myself. It's scary, cause no matter how little time I steal for myself, either it's for some music, some non-academic related reading etc, I never feel rested anymore. There's this sense of urgency and dread that seems to taunt and call out to me at the same time. I wonder what's going on.

Perhaps I'm losing my mind. Perhaps I'm on the brink of a nervous breakdown (or not). Perhaps I will just drop everything and do nothing. Perhaps yes, oh yes, they are all very possible, indeed.

Serenity Prayer

Song in my head : I'll Be Okay (Amanda Marshall)

Ever felt that your life is so messed up that nothing's ever worthwhile anymore? It feels like this nowadays. Drowning in this heavy depressing feeling that you don't want to surface from. I believe that I am slowly turning into someone that I will not be able to recognise if this goes on. Question is, do I want to continue like this? or should I stand up again? At this moment, I just wish that the whole world would not bother me, and just let me be. I want to be anti-social, I want to be depressed. I want in the utmost sense to stop being the strong one, and just crash and burn. Why is that unacceptable for me??

My current prayer to God is the serenity prayer. Ever read it? Heard about it? It's beautiful.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

Short and simple yet beautiful. Perhaps, after all, I will be okay, as Amanda Marshall sings of it.

Current song playing: I'll Be Okay (Amanda Marshall)

This week just whooshed by... It's only thursday, but I feel so exhausted that I can just plop on my bed and wake up in the next century...mm... tempting...

I am currently feeling torned. How so? Kinda the situation where you want something but know that it's either not possible or not logical. I guess everyone shares this feeling once a while. The song that fits my mood would be Amanda Marshall's. Amazing how the song understands me. Great to listen to, but must admit, mood/feelings might turn terribly shitty. Who knows, might just end up crying.. boo-hoo

On another dreadry side...looks like there might be another typhoon heading to the land of the rising sun. Man, do they not ever give up!! grrr... Cold weather + short sunlight hours + rain = disaster depression...

What a recipe! psh

grrr.........

Ever felt so irritated that you just cannot concentrate cause the problem just get stuck in your head? Well, that's how I feel. Who would have thought that an email would get such responses? All these while 90% of the people who recieve my emails do not even bother replying. I wonder why start now. But then again, I already know the answer. What gives readers the right to goad over the writer?? grr....

Honestly, this is the last thing I need right now. If you think that I did not pay enough attention to you, or did not write personalised emails to you, well, I'm sorry, but seriously, your life will still be ok regardless I write or not, in fact, I've not freaking idea whether you actually read it or not, since no one ever bothers to reply at all, so why start commenting now?? What a load of BS.

I'm just PISSED........

earthquakes and typhoons

Of all things J-land has to be, is to be a island country visited by loads of earthquakes and typhoons in the summer!!! After successfully avoiding the majority of them for two months while I went home, I finally had my 1st earthquake experience...

It was 2 nights ago. There I was sitting in front of my pc chatting away when suddenly, everything moved! Felt like I was on a rocky boat in sea. 1st thought: i'm dizzy.. 2.thought: earthquake!! The latter turned out right. grrr.... Freaked my friends out when I wrote "earthquake" into the dialogue box..lol.. Anyways, it registered a 3 on the J-earthquake scale, making it a 4-5 on the Richter. It lasted for less than a minute, so no damaged done. It was however, scary enough.

And now, typhoon weekend! After 3 days of rain, 2 days of shine, now the typhoon decides to come. Gone are the sunny days, indeed. psh....

1st week

Song in my head: Let's Get Retarded (Black Eye Peas)

First week of classes....what a week!! "Shopping" is never easy, but worst still when it comes to deciding between taking 1.classes that you like, or 2. easy way to get the credit. brr...

Monday came with a bang. Rainy and all, what a reception. The long line into the admin building for the results transcipt is most definitely not what I had in mind. So I stood in line and entered. Heart pounding. Would I fail and repeat my compulsories???? However, with a stroke of luck and God's grace I've actually passed everything!!!! Actually got an A for my Passion work... Hallelujah!

Armed with new determination, I (hopefully) will be more hardworking this sem. Although I wonder how long my motivation will last...

But big shout-outs and thanks to those who prayed for me and supported me. Thanks guys...!!

fears

Song in my head: Come, Now is the Time to Worship

Fears. Everybody has them, unless you're a God... but I highly doubt that anybody would dare claim such a position, unless you're insane, in that case, be my guest.

I have so many fears that I fear that I would not be able to count them. What's at the top of my list? Surviving. At this stage, getting through each day takes a lot of my strength. Sometimes I just wish I can drop everything and not do anything again(but then, might get bored!). Life's responsibilities are so heavy that at times, I can physically feel its weight on my shoulders. Talk about heavy-duty!

Everyday I am afraid that I will fail my classes, lose my language skills, lose friends, end up lonely till old age.... Times like these are torturous. Deciding to wallow in my depressing state, I will just sit in a corner and cry. You may wonder that this does not sound like me at all, but of late, I have discovered that I am no longer the strong person I was. I am human, and I am tired.

More reason to seek God now. It is time to pray.

Back in J-land...

Current music: My Best Friend's Wedding soundtrack

Have you ever heard this cd? It's great, really. Well, if you are up for some mushy jazzy oldies, well, this is a definitely must to the collection. For me, it's a great disc to relax to, and in this stress-high city/country, my lifesaver....

Back in Tokyo Tokyo. Other than discovering a new 7 Eleven near the bus stop(which I've actually been told of its existence long before) and my mailbox full to the max, everything else seems to be the same. I was so glad to be in my room after all the travelling... but heck, boredom just settle in after staring into those 4 walls for too long..!

Been trying to adjust back. Discovered that my J-level plummeted, results for 1st sememster out on Oct 4th, and that, I miss home and good ol' M'sian food so much.*groans* Not a good combo, indeed.

C'est ma vie...

A much hated chore

Song in my head: Mamma Mia

Right right... 2 more days and I'll be back in the land of the rising sun... Not really sure that I want to be back there right now. Think my feet are getting cold...aiks! However, life goes on, as I have constantly told others this, I too need to remind myself on this finer point *sigh*

Am currently stuck with packing...argh!!!!!! Pack, check weight, unpack, repack, check weight... This (almost) endless cycle is a killer. Darn the 20kg limit! Darn the one cabin bag per passenger rule! Darn darn darn!! I think I'll give up on packing, just for tonight. Tomorrow will still come anyway.

Currently feeling extremely dejected, with a dash of loneliness. "Parting is such sweet sorrow..." so says Juliet, although I am not too sure that I totally agree with her. Sweet? nah........... Try heart wrenching.

Last words? Mamma mia! rocks...

A whole new world, perhaps?

"Hey, I've got a blog!"... "Finally!! What took you so long??"

The world of blogs. It was resisted, uncared for, but finally, succumbed into... As usual, being the "last one standing", as I've been once called... This I readily admit and personally, not something that I really care. Don't you ever think that blogs are such a hassle? I rarely read them (apologies to those that I'm supposed to read....), but yet now, I've decided to start writing them. I must have been kidnapped and brainwashed along the way. Will it last? We shall see...

As for me, now, I'm a kid who has been given an early christmas present. A new world awaits...