Rain rain go away

I am utterly sick of typhoons. It's Typhoon no.23 (the current record). Although I must say, I've actually only experienced 2, but that's enough to last a year, at least! My shoes got utterly drenched. I think if there was any strong wind, then, with or without umbrella, I will be utterly soaked to my skin. Thankfully, however, God has been so far so kind.

Moving on... How have I been? Oh, not to bad, so-so. Can'T find the space for "just great" in my dictionary yet, unless you want it said in a sarcastic kind of way... There's this huge among of workload that I'm just struggling to finish every week, while on the other side of the scale, there's this bottomless pitt of boringness that just zaps my motivation away. I am slowly losing time for myself. It's scary, cause no matter how little time I steal for myself, either it's for some music, some non-academic related reading etc, I never feel rested anymore. There's this sense of urgency and dread that seems to taunt and call out to me at the same time. I wonder what's going on.

Perhaps I'm losing my mind. Perhaps I'm on the brink of a nervous breakdown (or not). Perhaps I will just drop everything and do nothing. Perhaps yes, oh yes, they are all very possible, indeed.

Serenity Prayer

Song in my head : I'll Be Okay (Amanda Marshall)

Ever felt that your life is so messed up that nothing's ever worthwhile anymore? It feels like this nowadays. Drowning in this heavy depressing feeling that you don't want to surface from. I believe that I am slowly turning into someone that I will not be able to recognise if this goes on. Question is, do I want to continue like this? or should I stand up again? At this moment, I just wish that the whole world would not bother me, and just let me be. I want to be anti-social, I want to be depressed. I want in the utmost sense to stop being the strong one, and just crash and burn. Why is that unacceptable for me??

My current prayer to God is the serenity prayer. Ever read it? Heard about it? It's beautiful.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

Short and simple yet beautiful. Perhaps, after all, I will be okay, as Amanda Marshall sings of it.

Current song playing: I'll Be Okay (Amanda Marshall)

This week just whooshed by... It's only thursday, but I feel so exhausted that I can just plop on my bed and wake up in the next century...mm... tempting...

I am currently feeling torned. How so? Kinda the situation where you want something but know that it's either not possible or not logical. I guess everyone shares this feeling once a while. The song that fits my mood would be Amanda Marshall's. Amazing how the song understands me. Great to listen to, but must admit, mood/feelings might turn terribly shitty. Who knows, might just end up crying.. boo-hoo

On another dreadry side...looks like there might be another typhoon heading to the land of the rising sun. Man, do they not ever give up!! grrr... Cold weather + short sunlight hours + rain = disaster depression...

What a recipe! psh

grrr.........

Ever felt so irritated that you just cannot concentrate cause the problem just get stuck in your head? Well, that's how I feel. Who would have thought that an email would get such responses? All these while 90% of the people who recieve my emails do not even bother replying. I wonder why start now. But then again, I already know the answer. What gives readers the right to goad over the writer?? grr....

Honestly, this is the last thing I need right now. If you think that I did not pay enough attention to you, or did not write personalised emails to you, well, I'm sorry, but seriously, your life will still be ok regardless I write or not, in fact, I've not freaking idea whether you actually read it or not, since no one ever bothers to reply at all, so why start commenting now?? What a load of BS.

I'm just PISSED........

earthquakes and typhoons

Of all things J-land has to be, is to be a island country visited by loads of earthquakes and typhoons in the summer!!! After successfully avoiding the majority of them for two months while I went home, I finally had my 1st earthquake experience...

It was 2 nights ago. There I was sitting in front of my pc chatting away when suddenly, everything moved! Felt like I was on a rocky boat in sea. 1st thought: i'm dizzy.. 2.thought: earthquake!! The latter turned out right. grrr.... Freaked my friends out when I wrote "earthquake" into the dialogue box..lol.. Anyways, it registered a 3 on the J-earthquake scale, making it a 4-5 on the Richter. It lasted for less than a minute, so no damaged done. It was however, scary enough.

And now, typhoon weekend! After 3 days of rain, 2 days of shine, now the typhoon decides to come. Gone are the sunny days, indeed. psh....

1st week

Song in my head: Let's Get Retarded (Black Eye Peas)

First week of classes....what a week!! "Shopping" is never easy, but worst still when it comes to deciding between taking 1.classes that you like, or 2. easy way to get the credit. brr...

Monday came with a bang. Rainy and all, what a reception. The long line into the admin building for the results transcipt is most definitely not what I had in mind. So I stood in line and entered. Heart pounding. Would I fail and repeat my compulsories???? However, with a stroke of luck and God's grace I've actually passed everything!!!! Actually got an A for my Passion work... Hallelujah!

Armed with new determination, I (hopefully) will be more hardworking this sem. Although I wonder how long my motivation will last...

But big shout-outs and thanks to those who prayed for me and supported me. Thanks guys...!!

fears

Song in my head: Come, Now is the Time to Worship

Fears. Everybody has them, unless you're a God... but I highly doubt that anybody would dare claim such a position, unless you're insane, in that case, be my guest.

I have so many fears that I fear that I would not be able to count them. What's at the top of my list? Surviving. At this stage, getting through each day takes a lot of my strength. Sometimes I just wish I can drop everything and not do anything again(but then, might get bored!). Life's responsibilities are so heavy that at times, I can physically feel its weight on my shoulders. Talk about heavy-duty!

Everyday I am afraid that I will fail my classes, lose my language skills, lose friends, end up lonely till old age.... Times like these are torturous. Deciding to wallow in my depressing state, I will just sit in a corner and cry. You may wonder that this does not sound like me at all, but of late, I have discovered that I am no longer the strong person I was. I am human, and I am tired.

More reason to seek God now. It is time to pray.

Back in J-land...

Current music: My Best Friend's Wedding soundtrack

Have you ever heard this cd? It's great, really. Well, if you are up for some mushy jazzy oldies, well, this is a definitely must to the collection. For me, it's a great disc to relax to, and in this stress-high city/country, my lifesaver....

Back in Tokyo Tokyo. Other than discovering a new 7 Eleven near the bus stop(which I've actually been told of its existence long before) and my mailbox full to the max, everything else seems to be the same. I was so glad to be in my room after all the travelling... but heck, boredom just settle in after staring into those 4 walls for too long..!

Been trying to adjust back. Discovered that my J-level plummeted, results for 1st sememster out on Oct 4th, and that, I miss home and good ol' M'sian food so much.*groans* Not a good combo, indeed.

C'est ma vie...